It’s healthy to spend time in rest and reflection. It’s wonderful to be able to enjoy being alone. I know that I certainly benefit from opportunities to withdraw into healthy solitude (so restorative and nourishing).

But isolation is different.

Far from being restorative, isolation tends to breed more isolation. 

In fact, studies show that social isolation increases the risk of a number of different negative effects, including cognitive decline, heart disease, weakened immune system, depression, and anxiety.

Humans are wired to function best in connection with other humans.

But being in connection isn’t always easy.

Without healthy boundaries for guidance, some human interactions can (and do) cause us a great deal of pain.  

So choosing isolation feels like it will solve that problem.

But it doesn’t.

The truth is, coping-through-isolation only causes us a different kind of pain.

What is the answer?

Boundaries. Becoming boundaried helps us find our beautiful balance.

Because your body, mind, and spirit thrive in safe and loving human connections.  And that’s possible.  Boundaries show us how. 

the answer also sits right at the crossroads of trauma, nervous-system science, attachment wounds, and learned survival strategies.

Hurt people don’t isolate because they want to.
They isolate because at some point in their life, isolation felt safer than connection.

Let’s unpack it gently and clearly.

WHY HURT PEOPLE ISOLATE THEMSELVES

Because the nervous system thinks isolation = safety

When someone has been:

• betrayed
• dismissed
• shamed
• abused
• abandoned
• overwhelmed
• chronically invalidated

…the body learns:

“People are dangerous.
Withdrawal keeps me safe.”

This isn’t a conscious choice —
it’s a polyvagal survival response.

Isolation = dorsal vagal conservation mode.

The body is saying:
“We need to shut down to protect ourselves.”

 

Because trauma teaches that needs = danger

If your needs were:

• ignored
• punished
• too much for others
• used against you
• a source of shame

You internalise:

“It’s safer not to need anyone.”

Isolation becomes emotional self-protection.

 

Because shame drives people inward

Shame’s core message is:

“I am unworthy. I contaminate others.
I don’t deserve connection.”

Shame collapses the nervous system into withdrawal.

This isn’t weakness —
it’s a primitive survival mechanism designed to avoid rejection.

 

Because heartbreak reorganises the brain

When someone has been deeply hurt:

• the amygdala becomes hypervigilant
• the threat system stays online
• trust circuitry downregulates
• social engagement feels risky

Isolation becomes the “default” because connection feels unpredictable.

 

Because they don’t want to burden anyone

This is especially true in caregivers, helpers, nurses, and people with trauma history.

They think:

“Everyone is dealing with enough.”
“I don’t want to be the problem.”
“I don’t want to drain anyone.”

But here’s the truth:

They’re not avoiding people —
they're avoiding feeling like a burden.

 

Because connection stirs feelings they don’t feel ready to face

Being around safe people can bring up:

• grief
• longing
• vulnerability
• unmet childhood needs
• fear of being truly seen

Isolation becomes a way to keep these emotions manageable.

 

Because they learned early that connection wasn’t consistent

If connection felt:

• conditional
• unstable
• unpredictable
• rejecting
• shaming
• unsafe

…their attachment system learned to survive by self-reliance.

Isolation is not loneliness —
it’s protective self-containment.

Because fatigue makes socialising feel impossible

Depression, burnout, trauma, ADHD overwhelm, and emotional exhaustion drain the system.

Even small interactions can feel like:

• too much sensory input
• too much emotional labour
• too much masked effort

Isolation becomes a way to reduce stimulation.

 

Because hurt people often think others won’t understand

There's a sense of:

• “No one gets it.”
• “If I tell them, they’ll pull away.”
• “I don’t have the energy to explain.”
• “I’m too complicated.”

They isolate to protect themselves from disappointment — and from hope.

 

Because they don't trust themselves not to fall apart

Trauma survivors often fear:

• crying in front of others
• being vulnerable
• leaning on someone and getting nothing back
• being judged
• being misunderstood

So isolation feels safer than emotional exposure.

 

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

Isolation is not a flaw.
It’s not a character weakness.
It’s not a chosen personality trait.

It is a survival strategy that once kept someone safe.

It is the body saying:

“Connection hurt me.  I need to retreat so I don’t get hurt again.”

Hurt people isolate because they are trying — desperately —
to protect the softest, most wounded places inside them.

 

DEEPER TRUTH:

Hurt people isolate because they want connection so badly, it terrifies them.

Isolation isn’t about not wanting people.

It’s about fearing that closeness will repeat the pain.

 

Your Twin Flame.

Its important to realise that relationships with your twin flame often began as friendships.  We feel like it is coming home, safe, calm and peaceful.  Why wouldn’t we reach out to our twin flames, and continue this?

We fear that whilst we are still healing, we might damage the relationship.  We might hurt them.  However, reminding you that often our Twin Flame has been with us for many lives, and that they understand and love us unconditionally.  They will help us to keep healthy boundaries, regulate our emotions, and even understand our inner workings.  They are our best sounding board, our safe space and most loving person.

Reaching out to them will only develop a stronger bond, whilst providing both of you the essential contact.